(Pastor Sam ascends the pulpit)
Brothers...sisters...I come to you with a message-ah.
I have witnessed a revelation from the lawd-ah.
The Angel Gabriel came down to me as I walked through a field, and the Angel took me above the field and he said-ah:
"REPENT SINNER! THE END IS NIGH! GAWD WILL SEND A DISEASE TO CLEANSE-AH THE POPULATION! AND THAT DISEASE-AH IS THE SWINE FLU! PREPARE-AH FOR THE END OF DAYS!"
And Gabriel brought me back down to the field, and I walked home, and I got down on my knees-ah, and prayed to the lawd-ah, and the lawd said-ah, SAM (For the lord loveth italics): Go to Bethany and tell the people the truth-ah. Tell them the swine flu is the end-ah, the end of civilzation-ah. Only the chosen will escape-ah. Neither Jew or Gentile will be spared-ah. They will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I have told the networks to broadcast fear on the television-ah, twenty-four seven, to striketh fear in the hearts of the people, so they may turn to the lawd-ah for their salvation.
And I said to the lawd: Can you give me some proof that swine flu is more deadly than, say, regular flu?
And the LAWD said: If there wasn't proof, my child, would the tv networks broadcast such fear day in and day out, hyping the matter out of proportion-ah?
And I said: Yes.
And the LAWD said, all right, so we elected an intelligent black guy, everyone's bored and we need ratings. You got a problem with that?
And I said, so this isn't Captain Trips?
And the lawd sayeth: Oh, you mean the virus from the Stand?
And I said that's right.
And the lawd saidst: That was a pretty good book.
And I said: Did you see the movie?
And the lawd sayed: I DID see the movie. Wasn't Gary Sinise awesome?
And I said: Yeah, but what's he done lately.
And the lawd saysd: Isn't he on one of the CSIs?
And I said: I don't know, I got tired of that show after the Tarantino episode.
And the lawd sed: Yeah, it's kind of run it's course.